Vulnerability post

So I have a terrible confession. Something happened that has not occurred to me in a long time. You may recall my saga of discovering a healthy lifestyle and dietary pruning and elimination of many foods that were once my staple diet. Yes they were all “bad” foods. Well I had a relapse. But this was not due to temptation far from it it.

I had intense dreams that I had not experienced for years. In fact I was not having those dreams even when I used to eat those foods. I was dreaming of cheese deep dish pizza, oreos, icecream, double chocolate chip cookies, cheese puffs, onion rings, chocolate muffins with vanilla drizzle and mozzarella cheese sticks. Yes this is what I used to live on years ago, pre health and lifestyle changes. Then why suddenly did I crave these day in and day out.

Was it due to not enough carbs in my diet ? No. As I had reached a steady state of fat, protein and carbs with good portions.

Was it I was starving? No. I was definitely eating enough calories.

Could it have been from the intermittent fasting and having now converted my burning mechanism from sugars, glycogen, to now efficient fat. ? Perhaps. It could have been that I was burning fat in my workouts more constantly and consistently. But why these foods while I am burning fat and craving sugars and junk?? I should be craving more fat to replace it.

Fat cells store memories. Good and bad memories. Contrary to popular belief our fat is also a vast store of our memories. These memories that were associated with these foods were at a time in my life where I was living a very unfulfilled and uninspired life. Yes junk food eating is associated with stress eating and “depressed ” eating is known, but it is because of the fat cells. Since I had not fully “owned “that part of my life and “replaced” it with healthier lifestyle, this came back to haunt me to be re-owned and reprocessed. Nothing in life can be just “swept under the rug”. We cannot be positive without acknowledging our negative side or our demons. It is like eliminating a part of myself and calling myself whole. Does not work. Did not work.

In one night I devoured a large cheese pizza, a box of oreo cookies, 12 double chocolates cookies, stack of onion rings, ice cream, and a large chocolate muffin, a death by chocolate cupcake and bag of cheese puffs. Yes ALL of it. It was intense. But here is the thing, I was not hungry prior or after it. I then sat and went through all the areas of my life that I had felt unfulfilled in the past and presently. I acknowledged those wounds. I heard their cries, their voices of desperation and their pleas for understanding. I owned them. I heard them. I acknowledged them. I accepted that part of me that I had tossed aside like a rag doll hoping to never find again. Except they found me.

We healed. No cravings anymore. It was quite the confusing mind boggling experience of having to acknowledge my past by understanding the pathway of those food groups. Many questions had to be asked. Who was I back then? Who am I now? What did my past have to teach me? What held me back from fulfilling my purpose? And why?

I do not anticipate these cravings to return as they were linked to a time and space that needed healing, which is exactly what I offered it, not as a form of eating the same foods but my true rebalancing of my perceptions. The re-eating of the food was the gateway to the time and space of my past, to meet my older past self on his terms and show him the future as it transformed. Yet if they do, then it would be some other aspect to heal. I will be better armed next time, and anticipate the message from my older self and begin to rebalance my past now and not wait.

For now back to resetting my hormones with fasting and eating healthy and plenty of hydration.
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I love you
( picture : 2 eggs with tomatoes and peppered turkey and 2 pieces of GF Cinnamon raisin toast)